No.. At the moment, it doesn't include him.. I want to prove to me, him, his family and everyone else that we can make it happen, we can be happy together.. I know that my messy room doesn't help my depression.. I do feel better having cleaned it, I look forward to walking into my room, smelling the fresh, clean,. lemony smeel of my clean kitchen, then I look around the rest of my room and think 'next, I will hoover.' I've always hated cleaning and tidying, always. Always had to be moaned at to do it. I had a few months when I first moved in where I'd clean my surfaces every time I cooked, I'd hoover and tidy my room every weekend. I took such pride in my room. But as the depression progressed, my tidiness regressed. I'm trying to keep my room clean and tidy now because it's so much better for my mental health.

I know you're worried one of us will get pushed over the edge.. I know.. But.. I'm learning not to get so riled up at him when he takes an angry tone, not to get defensive but just to sound "normal" and say "you think so? Maybe you're right." to shock him, make him realise that actually, I'm not going to rise up to the bait. Kind of like how I had to live when I was with Shana and that awful family. That'll cause him to be knocked backwards., he'll have no-one to argue with and he'll be the one in the wrong in the end and he'll have no-one to argue with, therefore there will be no more fights.

*sigh* I know. I just.. I don't want to give up yet. I want to keep on fighting this, I want to prove to him that we Can and Will Get Through It. I want to prove to myself that I can do it. I'm stubborn. I won't give up until I win. yes, I gave up once before, but.. I'm getting there slowly.. I'm trying.

I know the relationship's not healthy at all and that is why I'm MAKING him do something about it, work with me, not against me. Yeah he's got college work on top of him, but ffs!! So have I!!! I have crap loads of writing to do, crap loads of rehearsing and singing lessons and practice to do, yet I still manage to fit OUR relationship in, I still manage to meet him every morning, every evening even when I don't want to walk home in the dark.. I still do it... So, it's his turn to put some damned effort in. I should be the one sitting back for a while. Not doing more work to make our relationship work. I'm pulling all the weight at the moment, and I just don't need it. I'm getting s**t at home, he's not. I'm getting s**t from my peers and lecturers at college, he's not, I'm getting s**t from that Adoptive Family - STILL! He's not. I'm also getting s**t for not learning songs, or getting lyrics, or listening to songs.. I have 2 gigs to prepare for, plus a theory exam, plus my singing exam. He doesn't. I have money to save to pay for therapy, he doesn't. The list is endless. I'm giving him the ultimatum, the kick up the arse and if he doesn't pull his weight.. Well.. I don't know, but I'll do something about it.

I just want to be happy. I want to glow, not just be a dim little light. Be the bright star that I can be, just like my Foster Dad taught me to be. Just thinking about him and how he kept me going as a kid, made sure he told me every day how special I am.. Makes me want to do this for him, if not for myself. I know he'd be proud of me for becoming stronger and more determined. He would. If he's the only one IRL, then so be it. He's more to me than anyone on this Earth. he moulded me to be a Princess, his little Princess, to be a star, to glow and love and shine and be..

Be Me.