Wow, thanks for the quick replies.
This morning I was really sure I would go straight to the computer after school delete this all and also delete my account, because I was feeling weird and having panic about what I wrote and that I wrote it and whatsoever all the time. But readig your posts made me decide differently and I decided to simply post on different forums here in the next time and see if it can help me. I already knew that you would write that I should go see a doctor and probably I should but at the moment I really don`t want to go, even though it might be the illness/es telling me that those are bad people only and they aren`t in reality. Also I`m pretty strictly against medicamentation. I got the feeling that that would make everything worse, that i may get seriously sick or even die due to medicine, becasue of strong side effects. I tend to avoid most medicine and other " chemical" things in general and I simply don`t trust it. So I`ll try without doctors and medicamentation at firrst I think. Today, I was talking to my mum and we suddenly came to the subject. She even told me her problems which was very interessting yet I started to wonder if mental health problems are hereditary?! Well her problems are different from mine though and also her way of handling them is different. She pretends everthing`s okay and trys to be perfect, it always used to be liek that. She always has to clean everything she can`t stand it if things are not in order and clean and tidy etc. she also told me that she had a tough childhood and that she also has some sort of social hobia which sounded similar to my problems with people. She also said that she`d been in therapy before which I never knew, but she didn`t tell more and I didnt dare to ask why and how long she`d been in therapy. But because she denies there is anything that controls us and we cant help it ( like forces and fears and subconscious thoughts etc.) she doesn`t understand me when I try to explain how I feel. She just says " you have to control, you have to do it, " mental problems" are not an excuse". So we`re always ending up arguing about that. I have to say her " cleaning-problem" really has becoem a lot better over the past few years so maybe her " ignore the anxiety" - method is successful. But sadly she`s still not over the past..she said again that she hopes I only hated her because I loved her. So she still thinks I really hate her. How can I explain her that at times I just think that I can`t trust her and that if somethings wrong I often get the feeling that she`s bad and she`s the enemy, even though after some period of time when i can think clearly again I know that it wasn`t her and she didn`t want to harm me?! As she doesn`t believe there are things we can`t control, she keeps thinking I did everything I did in my life on purpose to harm her. Mhh..
Well, at least I could talk to her more openly.