Silvermoon, from what i have read you have nothing to be ashamed of - you are in pain and you are trying to stop/numb that pain - I understand that - there are better ways to do this - there are less harmful ways - healing ways - - if you were talking to a friend who told you what you are feeling/thinking would you suggest they harm themselves? I dont think so - I think you would show caring and compassion for their pain and try to let them talk it out and support them

Please dont be so hard on yourself - do you have someone you can call IRL - is there a Therapist you are seeing who could help you through this moment in time - please call them if you have one.if not please try writing it out - letting every word that comes into your head go down on paper then you can read it or tear it up and throw it in the air if thats what you need to do - please stay safe.

I hope things improve for your soon P7