i hate my life, all these feelings i dont know what to do with them or how to deal with them, especially finding out about all of us and losing so much time and just feeling so distant from everyone, my family and the whole world, i feel so all alone, yet i know im not if that makes sense, im a survivor for some reason but cant figure out why, im so bad i dont deserve to be here, but if i wasnt here they would have won, so its like playing tug of war with myself i guess, one minute its like just die and get it over with and the next minute is like no then you let them win so what am i to do, my t has recommended coloring, playing, writing and lots of other things, but i feel stupid coloring and doing childhood things cause ive never done them before, my husband and daughter dont say anything against me, sometimes they just laugh and go on and other times theyre like what is wrong with you and what have you done with my wife or mother. ok i will hush now sorry to babble on.