:S Seen pictures of me where?

I'm going to talk to Anita truthfully, I know she#s only there to help.. I just don#t feel thin enough to go.. I'm so tempted to bottle out, but I won't because I've arranged it now..

Of course I would disagree with others, but that's because they have other qualities that override how big/small they are.. I don't think anyone but you sees that in me I think they all see me as the fat frump sitting around waiting for more food.. But I never wait for lunch times.. I hate lunch times.. They're my worst time.. Connor got me to eat today because.. Because I couldn't come up with an excuse as to why I didn't want to eat.. He bought me a sandwich and an apple and a chocolate bar.. I felt so, so guilty eating the chocolate bar, but I've worked it off..

Tomorrow is when it starts properly, because no-one's around to stop me really.. I know it's not the best thing for me to do, but I will eat a little something before I go doing any working out. Promise..

I couldn't talk to a nutritionist because they'd probably just say "don't be silly, just keep on how you are and with the exercise you're doing and you'll be fine, you're smack bang in the middle of the healthy weight range.." So no, I'd feel stupid if I went to see a nutritionist.

I'#ve had a workout and this time, I took my inhaler before I did anything, but still after the session, I just couldn't breathe. My mum rang as soon as I got in, so I was talking, struggling to breathe, trying to hide it and just being there for her and stuff I took my inhaler 8 times in the space of 1-2 hours. That's not good at all.. I still can't breathe properly now, but I'm not allowed to take my inhaler anymore. So I'm just drinking lots, letting it calm itself down, trying not to talk too much, breathing heavily, sucking in as much air as possible, but it's a struggle I hate it when i can't breathe. I'll panic and then it gets worse.. I'm trying not to panic, but it's getting worse and worse..

Sky thinks I overdid it, she reckons just 30 mins on a bike 3 days a week, or even just once a week will do the trick.. I don't believe it. I did:

5 minutes walking on the treadmill - quick pace,
2 mins skipping-one jump per second=120 jumps,
2 mins stepping onto, jumping off a step, one jump/step per second=120 steps/jumps,
2 mins running up and down 3 steps, 1 step per second=360 steps,
2 mins jumping onto, stepping off a step, one step/jump per second=120 jumps/steps,
2 mins tricep pushups, one per second=120 tricep pushups,
2 mins press ups, one-two per second=120-240 press ups (girlie ones-they were too easy, could've gone another 8 mins),
5-10 mins boxing, one punch per second=roughly 800-1,000 punches (if anyone wants to work it out fully, they can. But that's a guess-timate)

That's all of it, I think.. I'm sure there was more, but I just can't remember.
I'm exhausted, but still don't see it as enough.. I'm really tempted to go and run on the treadmill for 10 minutes.. It'll exhaust me even more, but.. I feel I need to do it..

I know it's out of caring and concern and I'm sorry taht I'm.. Letting you down.. Letting others down too.. I know I am and that's why.. Why I can't tell anyone.. I'm not lying to anyone, I'm not holdiong anything back.. If they ask, I'll tell them straight. I promise.. *sob* I just want to be the beautiful girl I used to be.. I look at pictures of me from.. Say.. 2 years/3 years ago and I think "God, I was so beautiful, so slim then.. Look at me in those modelling photos! I'm so slim, so.. Sexy, so beautiful.. Why can't I be like that again? I can. If I just keep on how I am now, and then when I do end up eating properly again, buying a bike, going out on it, starting horse riding again, going running every weekend again... If I get a dog, I can use that as an excuse to go out running and keep me and the dog fit." I just wish, so so much that I could be that 8st 11lbs I was then. I reallyw as so beautiful then. Yes, I may look slightly upset in my favourite photo, but I'm beautiful!

*sigh* and now.. I'm having crap spread about me around college... I don't need this! I want to be happy! Go somewhere and feel ok, feel safe, feel like I can be MYSELF. Not somebody that pretends to be confident, to cover up how she really feels.. Yes, me being able to pretend that I'm confident shows that I can and will be confident, but.. That's very rarely and it's gonna take a lot.. I'm fed up of all this s**t these are the people that make me GIVE UP! What IS the point if all they're gonna do is turnm people against me?!!!

I'm FED UP!! I hate myself! I hate myself so, so much!! I'm fed up of covering up! Fed up of feeling fine for an hour, then being completely off the rails the next 5 minutes!! I feel like ripping every hair on my head out, like peeling every inch of my skin off, ripping my insides out. I feel so sick! So, so sick of all this!! *sobs* I can't take anymore s**t like this anymore!!!