*Sob*. People are spreading stuff about me around college, being really nasty and bringing stuff up from the past that had settled, that I felt incredibly guilty for, that I still feel incredibly guilty for.. And no-one, absolutely no-one gets it.. I've just told Connor something I told him I'd said to Sky and had sworn to myself I'd never say again, my deepest, darkest, most awful secret. I feel like he's just gonna say "ugh. You make me sick" or something, but he asked to know, so I've told him..

Everyone's chosen the most wrong time to ***** with me, seriously, they have and they're all building up my ammo and I'm gonna lose it, seriously.. I can't take it anymore. I can't do this, I can't turn a blind eye to it.. I'm guilt ridden, fat, ugly, disgusting, repulsive and everyone hates me.. Even my own boyfriend.. *sobs even harder* I hate this! I hate it so, so much! And nobody sees it!! I'm fed up of putting on a happy, brave front, pretending to be confident, rising above it and holding my head high..

I just want to slump into a heap on the floor and cry and never stop.. Cry myself to death, It's a horrid, awful feeling, but no-one's helping me! No-one! They're all against me! Working against me, not WITH me.. I'm fed up of listening, smiling, nodding, pretending I'lll be fine, that I'm coping just fine.. I'm not.. I've got no control, because everyone else tries to control me all the time, I have no control of my own because no-one will let me have it!!!

I'm sick of it.. Sick and tired.. My body's weak, exhausted, tired, slumped.. Dom, when I was on the treadmill said "Kirst, you're walking like you're carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders.." That's because it feels like I am!! I NEVER get to make my own decisions with a bit of guidance from others, with just a bit of a "maybe this would be a better idea because.." instead of "No! You're wrong, you're allllll wrong! THIS is what's RIGHT!" I'm fed up of it!! I know better than anyone else, what's better for me and what's not, tbh.. Not even Connor knows what's best for me..

He doesn't get that just a bit of guidance when I ask for it is all I need instead of an argument about it.. Instead of butting into it and making the decisions for me when I didn't even want any help with it.. If he sees me doing something wrong, all he has to do is say "Kirst, have you thought about doing this? Do you want some help with this?" Then, I'd feel better.. Like someone actually gives a s**t.. Because I'm fed up of no-one giving a s**t about what I feel and what I think.

I don't need to be told I'm wrong all the time and for others to take MY control away.. I need to be told from time to time "i think you did the right thing there.. You need to have more confidence in your own decisions now, you're doing the right things now.." He never ever says that, it's always when I do something wrong that he comments.. That's why I doubt myself so much.. I mean, I know for a fact that I've made the right decision and action of not lending out money, i knwo that I've made the right decision to invite a friend over this weekend, to talk about things to someone that's been through it and come out of the other end, I've made the right decision to see someone from SWEDA, I've made the right decision to drop my crappy therapist who makes me feel worse and get a better one, I've made the right decision to get help with the rape and other abuse.. Yet, I can't praise myself because no-one else has praised me yet, most importantly, Connor hasn't praised me.. Have I done the right things, from what's listed above?

I'll ask Laura when i see her on Wednesday and when she tells me what she thinks, I know I'll come out feeling better because she's honest and she's helping me to praise myself more.. If she praises me, I'll praise myself.. But for now..

I feel nuts for saying this and I'm not a violent person, but in the fragile state I'm in now, if one of my abusers, or anyone that's ever hurt me badly, traps, hurts, upsets, angers (etc) me just once more, they'll get more than me shouting, or a punch in the face, or a kick in the gut.. Seriously they will.. i hate saying that. Really, I do.. But it's just so true.. I know I need help, but no-one sees that.

Just.. Need a cuddle and some kind words? Is that much to ask?