It's my own stupid f*cking fault for starting it in the first place! For cheating on him! For turning to someone else because he was being insensitive, because someone else was there for me, because they were sensitive and actually gave a s**t about me!! It's all my own stupid f*cking fault!! I know it is! And I hate myself for it! I HATE MYSELF!!!

I'm breathing ok now, but my chest is starting to get tight againa dn I'm panicking and I'm anxious and shaking and I'm gonna cry and I'm gonna scream and shout and get really really mad.. Just one more thing, and I know I'm not violent, I hate being violent but in this fragile state, if one more person traps, angers, upsets or hurts me in ANY WAY again tonight, they will get more than just a punch in the face, a kick in the gut, me screaming them.. They will get a stab in the back.. They'll have me on a rampage.. Not a verbal stab, a physical stab.. I'm sick of it, sick of hiding this.

I can't contain it any longer.. Each time someone that's abused or hurt me in the past, hurts, upsets, angers, abuses me again, the feeling gets stronger, i lose my mind some more, I sound nuts some more, I shoul be locked up some more, I should be hated more, I should be hurt more..

I feel so sick, so disgusting.. No wonder no-one likes me, no wonder I keep getting hurt, no wonder they keep abusing me and giving me horrid looks, nasty, snide comments.. I never say anything about it because I don't deserve the support for it..

I don't deserve someone so.. So supportive as you.. I am letting you down.. I'm trying to hold on, but I can't.. It's killing me. It'll kill me if I don't kill it.. And that means killing me

I wish you weren't so far away, I wish you were here in person, so I could come and cry on your shoulder, because I would, really I would, because I can't contain it any longer and I'm so, so close to just losing it, so close to.. To harming again, whacking my head til I knock myself out so I can't feel this pain anymore.. I have no-one's shoulder to cry on here and no-one cares and all they care about is what they can get out of me and.. And I'm dying inside..

I need Him here, my Foster Dad.. I can't do it without him.. If the stars aren't out tonight, I'll.. I'll... I'll.. Break downa dn I'll cry and I'll scream and shout and sob and hurt and whack and listen to "someone's watching over me" and thinghk of him and wihksh that I could feel taht he is watchil;kng over me and I have to sing it at the gig and I jsut know I'll cry.. i know it.. I'm dying, I'm unable to breathe properly, I'm so panicky and I don't wnat to eaurtt anyhitng, but I'm hugjfnry because I'm so worked up and worn oupyt, but I wtnta to pundiish myself somehow and if I eat, I harm, if I don't eat I may stilkkl harm, if I get phused anymore, I will scream my face off and tear my skin to pieces.. aanbd wreadk everygtuhing adn werkc everyohne elses lievhs..

This is getting way out of hand and I just can;t do it, i realklky cant auhnd I'm so ahsky I cant even tyipe properly andbu everythiung]s just all out ol f control and it's all over the placep; so i need. need Need NEED to strtave mysel for I eowiljln have9ot =harm abd I can;t ods it and I'm just lik eall over the place andit sall os out of corjntol and it's all fa4rlling to pie1wces and I'm dyijng..

I juts cwant toljj deie right nowk I nehed healp andn I know I do, biut no-one woill gievt it to me because theyly dont tyhink I;m abd wenough or whateftver..

*Sob*
ICan'tDoThis..