Hi Stella,

I recognize many of the Gps concerns about not remembering the past and dissociating and the lack of self care.

I have never smoked . I did a bit of drinking . Every time I drank I was taken advantage of sexually and many times I would pass out on very small amounts of alchohol .

My main disorder was my eating disorder , ocd. when I started I told the therapist I had a normal happy child hood but I couldn't remember much .

After six months it was real clear that was not the case. I shared stuff little by little and for the first time I had someone telling me quietly thats things were not right. Most of all he asked "well how did that make you feel" and I said

I don't know. I didn't know what shame and guilt felt like or fear . I blocked all the time . I sat in the sessions many times silent.

I had no feelings about much of anything . I was also scared to tell someone. Not many people enjoy acknowledging thier own parents abused them or a freing or other relative. Kinda hard to wrap your mind around it. And its really hard to continue relating in the same way after you look at it.


When you grow up with it and live with it every day it just becomes a part of the sceneary .

I also had memories that are snap shots like yours . Of being in bed with my father . seeing him naked from behind a few other shots . a bathroom black out scean .

thats enough for me. I don't want any more. you may not need but so much.

I did alot of praying about it back then . I was also told I would not be given more than I could handel.

I have read here where a few have been given more and I don't know how they can manage but they are.


I forgot all about the daily bullying in scholl as well . It was untill five or more years later after speacking about it in therapy that I truely got in touch with the pain . Its the mouth open with no sound comming out because its so deep kind of crying.

this is not self pity. this is true pain that has to be acknowledged.

Even now as I share here on this forum . I'm making important connections . just yesteday I realized about five of my best girlfriends hit on me sexually and I had to leave the relationship. I keep putting things together in more " lots" "groupings" than single incidents.

I can now see why I have difficulty making new friendships In real life .

The more I talk about it the more stuff here and with my therapist the more comes back and it gets validated in a way I can now say yes this did happen . No its not plesant stuff. The only way out is through. Its not fair , But what was done was done.

Stella , Please try not to be frightened .
yet I know the feeling of facing the unknown.
I was able to handel what came up.

memories came back to me first with no feeling . It was a slow process for me to see what was going on was not right. Denile works in that manner.

You may well have Bi polar manic swings to deep depression along with childhood abuse.

the memory loss is usually associated with PSTD .or CPSTD

Hope this helps you feel a little bit more like you are not alone , but more imortantly , your not defective or bad or many other explicatives.

I call it ineffective. I'm inefective in my life because of what happened to me.

I had the joy and safety and love of life taken from me. My forgeting about it was my only way to keep going. It's difficult to get some joy and love back but its possible.
And it keeps getting better each day I keep trying to give.



Patricia