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diana's clan,
my story is similar to judy's story. my family was into satanism and from infancy i was "dedicated" to satan and supposedly being raised to be a "high priestess" in a cult. complete lies of course but they did many things in many ways to make me compliant with the behaviors they wanted me to do. most of which i would not ever write on here because it is too ugly to hurt you guys by mentioning it. they forced me to do evil and then told me neither God nor people could ever ever ever forgive me for any of this. they also told me "God" was taking part in certain rituals with me so i would not run to Him for help. they took a powerless toddler, ruined her and blamed her for her own pain and coerced behavior.
this is a typical abuser behavior to tangle the victim in pain, guilt and shame to keep them down and away from light and healing.
i am innocent because i had no real choice. later on i acted out some of the lesser sexual behaviors with playmates and felt very guilty for entangling them in what i knew instinctively was wrong for us as children. God forgave me for my childish acting out of inappropriate behavior. he was never angry with me, just with all the evil people who were fully grown and chose their path freely.
thankfully, when i grew up i got to become a Christian and it gave me the values i live and die by. my past will always make me feel creepy because it is so terribly ugly. but i now put the true blame on the real culprits.
someday you will be able to do this also. a small child taught sexual behaviors will respond to them because he/she is human and humans are sexual beings. often, when a small victim acts out with friends or other small children he/she is very shamed by any adults who discover the behavior and that can set the child up to carry an unfair weight of guilt and shame that truly belongs to an abuser.
i finally got tired of punishing myself since i was the only one left from that past. now i try to move away from self-harm, self-destruction and whatever will punish me - that was never what the only being who loved me wanted. God wants me healed and filled with love. someday that is EXACTLY what i WILL be!!!!!!!!!!!
sh only pleases the ones who desire your harm. you all deserve so much more and better than that.
stormy
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  HEALING HAPPENS
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