ohhh, troy, your post touched my heart. how could i hate any of the warriors? you? they are doing their duty, honoring the oath they/you took, and many have come home "broken". you sound like such a very, very special person. i only wish you did not have to suffer at all. it's like a horrible wound, you just can't see the blood. you can't hook it up to an IV and make the pain go away. combat ptsd is such a horrible condition. i don't call it a disorder cause it's a medical condition as far as i am concerned, jme. acute trauma.
when my son tom would come home his anger, rage,etc. was mostly directed at me. i think that for him subconsioulsy he knew it was safe to direct all this stuff at me. yes he was out of control with others too but the out of control beyond words rage was pointed in my direction. of course it made me cry sometimes when he'd rant and rave but i knew it was not "him". i "knew" he was choosing the person he knew loved him most in the entire world (me), so it was safe to drive it home with me. i endured cause i love him so very much. his wife did too. fortunately for me my son, after what seemed forever to us, opened up to me. it was late at night on his back porch. wife and children had gone to sleep. he brought up the subject. i let him talk and talk and talk about what he saw and did. one of the moments that took my breath away was he was telling me about the enemy literally on fire running down the road yelling, help me!!! he said his humanity wanted to run up and help them but he had to do a reality check and not help. he was emotional telling me this event. who wouldn't be, when we are taught to be kind to others? it has to be incredibly confusing to the mind, to the intellect, to our feelings about who we are.
my son is much better now but i believe his personality in areas has forever changed. a casualty of war. i still witness sometimes an anger i never knew from him before. he's still a good father and husband...but i know the ptsd is still there. i can see it in his facial muscles sometimes when he's trying like h.. to control his anger. it pains me to see this but i do understnad he can't help it. he's coming up on 20 years served. he's so young we had once thought he'd go 30. recently i told him something i thought i'd never say and i prefaced it that way...."I do not wsih for you to go over "there" again...if it means retiring, then i need for you to do that." we'll see...
i''m so sorry that you feel you have to "play the role". i do understnad as best i can, why you say that. so many ppl unfortunately do not take the time to understand or have no interest in what you all have been thru. you're right, they just wonder about the ice cream flavor they'll pick. they are living in little life capsules of no substance. perhaps its mostly the "military family" that does understand. we are living the reality of it daily. it's impossible to ignore what we know as truth.
i am grateful i have met you here at pc. i want to thank you for all you have done. i honor you. i will pray, jme, for you and ask that you are given some peace from this ever vigiliant nightmare. i hope you will stay in touch with us here and that you keep writing what's on your mind. it won't change necessarily how you feel but perhaps it will lessen the intensity. you needn't feel that you have to put on a happy face either.. things like this don't trigger me, so if ever you need to pm or choose to, please feel free to do so. love from an army mom,
jan