i tried distracting. i posted in games, i listened to music, but nothing works right now. it's gotten worse, these past days. i know why it's gotten worse but why never matters when it is worse.

i know i sound so self-pitying and whiny in this thread but i try distracting, i try getting better and nothing helps, nothing works. i'm stuck in this painful, rotten existence and it is too painful. **** keeps happening, bad things keep happening. i was supposed to get a break and it never comes.

pictures aren't the same. i fail as a father.

i just lost my will. sometimes i have that will, that will to live, but how can i keep my spirits high when my world keeps crashing down, how can i hold onto a will to love when i am a wounded, bloodied animal stuck in a hunter's trap and tired of being used, over and over again. sometimes i just want to be put out of my misery so bad. i just want the hunter to come and end it. when it comes down to it i am not important, my positive impact on people's lives is minimal, and i guess i'm selfish in a way- i just need my pain to stop and death is like a cure all to me.

sorry to write this here, don't have anywhere else to write this or say this i guess. and so i still listen to my music and hold my plushies but this has been going on for too long and i hate it.