Kiya,
you ARE learning. And the learning process is not an easy thing... sometimes you will fall back to old patterns, but so long as you remain mindful of other optioins (in times of wanting to SI), you are re-training your brain to think, and that IS learning. I'm really proud of you for trying to do other things instead of going directly to SI'ing. Remember that we here are too a support for you, and sometimes I find that if I can come on here, and post to someone else, well it helps me too.
Hang in there,
Big hugs
Jacq