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he's doing the bills and people doing the checkbook are scary. they tend to yell.
we missed our time with our T the last 3 times and don't know why we are doing that. it feels bad in here, wrong.
we are not going to make it. hopeless. we are going to paint ourselves into a corner and die there. i am so afraid. stuck, i just hate feeling stuck.
i need something but don't know what it is and it is NOT ok to not know things. dangerous to not know. we have had to fight sooo hard to be recognized as all we are, but having fought so hard it is like we are gettting stuck in the problems of identity instead of going forward to healing and wellness.
we have to make some big changes this year. we must get one or both knees replaced. this means we must begin to exercise . to do this we must get out of the house and out of the damn chair we spend all day and half the night in. it is so much harder than i thought it would be.
i have NO NO NO initiative. i care about nothing except that i care about not caring. did God keep me alive against so many odds for me to moulder in a corner and do nothing with the life he gave us??????????
i am ashamed of my self. right now i think i could be pretty happy sitting in a chair, reading books, watching tv and doing not one darn thing at all. and that would make me too much like the mother who bore me and cursed me with her life. i do not want to be like her, fading quietly, unhappily into the long goodnight, ending her years with a sigh and not even one good bye.
as much as i hate who she was and what she did to me, right now i do not feel different enough from her to not hate me too. some of us have been able to forgive her for things to ugly too put down here, some of which still warp my life. but i feel too much like her and that makes me sick to my stomach. i never hurt my children or took it out on phil, but i do things to myself that are unhealthy and wont help us heal. if i could i would destroy this body, but they won't let me. i just want it over. this life i wish it were over. why can't i love God like susana does. she got all the light and i got all the darkness. i should be dead. and yet i feel tortured knowing how wrong that kind of idea is. it is just wrong to hate life and hate myself. i am anti-life. i don't know what to do about that because i know that is stupid and wrong, but i even hate God. now that is seriously twisted and stupid. i feel like s.i. if i wasn't tired of their interference i wold probably try to do it, but i just can't any more. which ticks me off big time. it would change the mood inside and help me by letting me rotate out of here and make someone else take up the load of this stupid life of ours. i hate being me. i hate it i hate it there are no words black enough to express this feeling and i agree with the limits on foul language here. i got so sick of all those ugly words growing up. no beauty anywhere.
isn't there any way out for me? why do i have to hold all this dark inside of me?
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  HEALING HAPPENS
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