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multipixie9 · 04:35 PM

thank you all for being nice. i was beginning to feel like everyone hated me or was tired of me.

for so long i could not see the future and i felt i had lots of time to get well. and then my hair turned gray and i began to feel the end of my life in front of me.

i really thought i would be farther along in healing and being productive by this time. i've spent 14 years in counseling, that is not my finest fact i quote about my life! all this time and genuine effort and i am not well, cohesive or productive in this life. i hold down no job and right now i do only the physical minimum in my home and life and despise myself for it. i take all sorts of medicines for depression, anxiety and physical pain and i hate that soooo much!!!!!

right now the only good i see in the balance scales of my life's measure is that i do love my husband and my children and i do try to encourage hurting people when and where i encounter them. somehow this is not enough for me to feel like i justify my taking up room on the planet.

this is such an old debate, we were raised to be nothing at all and we live with the energizer bunny's stronger, older, faster brother - who never goes to the doctor, never stops for pain or illness either and is the poster-child for over-achievement. my grandmother used to compare my family to the dustbowl migrant workers in the novel by Steinbeck "the Grapes of Wrath". once i finally knew what that meant i wanted to slap the snot out of her for her snobbery. i felt she insulted the people in the book by comparing us to them. they were working as hard as they could to survive. my dad worked hard to provide for us but never once did anyone give one hour's thought to my future, or encourage me to better myself in any way. i grew up pretending to be invisible, reading in my room trying to avoid the mini-apocalypse which was my family. my entire goal in life was survival - so in that i was a success. i'm still here and all my abusers are dead. but i limp. not just physically, things don't stay on track in my mind and my emotional barometer changes more often than i can keep tabs on it. i do not like my self, my selves to be accurate except for one or two parts of me. susana mariah is the best of me but should be since she wasn't raised in hell like the rest of us, leslie is ok, she tries and i like some of the littles, they are quirky and amuse me. but the rest of me blek. the black hearted cynic, the whiny, sickly drama queen, the martyr, rowdy and stormy are ok, they don't put up with too much crap from anyone and i like that about them. but some of these others i could cheerfully kill them off and not lose sleep over it. the ones who feel the weight of the world and who feel every last drop of the pain and shame and misery of life and have radar for it all around them are killing me and not too cheerfully. their misery makes me feel suicidal and i can't even help them and they don't even know me. omg. it makes me want to scream and s.i. or od on meds. like right now... i need a savior. don't tell me we've already got one because he and i are not speaking and i don't know why not. *()&(*(*(U&(&)&)&)(*&* that is all the bad things we are not supposed to say on here and that are driving me nuts inside with bad thoughts and impulses. i can't call my T. i just don't do that if it isn't my time i do not bother her. ever.

i apologise for being so long and boring and moody and cynical and anything else bad we are today. we suck today. bye.

i tried to get rid of those dumb cats on my avatar and i can't remember how. gag me with a spoon. blek.