last night due to a healing class, i think some of the programming around the abuse was undone.
this is good...and scary...
i realized (and this is a personal thing, ppl have to come to this in their own time) that the abuse, tho it is awful and terrible and should not happen to anyone ever, was not *evil* in the sense of being otherworldly, by the devil, something that can suck me in to some scary porthole into ever-lasting blackness. I didn't even realize i was holding those thoughts until they were undone last night.
So naturally, Programming being what it is, my brain when into hyperactive drive last night, making shadows be all sorts of other things, and danger at every turn. programming does not like to be undone. fell asleep hearing voices (maybe echoes of the past?) and not really wanting to sleep... took ages. Then slept most the day, finally getting up after 2pm.
now that i am up, i am really spaced out, and finding that i am numbing with alcohol (not that i reccommend it). Am on the verge of flashbacks, while tring to remind myself that this is not "evil" (refer to past explanation). doing a bit better after adding a shot to my tea @_@