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multipixie9 · 10:09 PM

we need to talk about monday and going to the dentist. as an adult i am ashamed that i do not care for my teeth well. it has always been hard since my first dentist was a sadistic pervert who was a "child dental specialist"

we have been living with some dental pain for at least 5 years and it finally went to unbearable pain and we went in and we need a root canal. i use anti-anxiety meds and pain meds and live with the risk of addiction. the only way i could get there was with a ride and 2 1/2 anxiety pills instead of the max. dose of one. it didn't even affect me at all.

today i ran across a posting my littles had done asking someone for prayer for our monday office visit to the dentist. the post ended thanking the friend for help because "we don't wana die". i almost missed it, almost dismissed their words and i finally realized they meant what they said. even my overdose of anxiety meds i felt very frightened at the dentist and did my adult pretending to be ok routine while my heart raced.

sorry to take so long to get to the point. FOR 44 YEARS I'VE HAD TO CARRY THE FEAR OF DEATH TWISTED INSIDE MY HEART AND MIND AND STRESSING MY SOUL - AND THAT IS ONLY ONE OF THE TIMES I THOUGHT I MIGHT DIE, HE GAVE ME 5 AND OTHER ABUSERS GAVE ME MORE ALMOST DROWNINGS AND OTHER FUN EXPERIENCES THAT MADE ME THINK THEY WERE GOING TO KILL ME. I KEPT TRYING TO KILL MYSELF STARTING SOMETIMES IN MY TEENS.

if you looked at me you would never, ever think i have i have been forced to do things straight out of a horror movie, as a toddler. for 40 something years i refused to believe my own past. i lied to myself, made myself sick, raced trains at railroad crossings, challenged cars in crosswalks, harmed myself and lived with anxiety i did not understand because i hid my life from my own mind.

i wish i could just DEAL WITH IT STRAIGHT ON, i'm so flippin tired of the flippin dissociation and other psych crap that i used to survive mentally. i am so so so sick of it all and i am so angry and i can't deal with the anger because it never will surface when i need it to. it only shows up when i have no space or time or help to deal with it. AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

when will it ever just get to be over?