First, thank you all for your answers, your concern, your sympathies, and your kindness.

I'm the one changed over the years, my love for her never changed, but my fears of abandonment, my anxiety/panic disorder, and anger problems became big factors in all this. As I realized that my anger was an issue, and my panic (actually the attacks themselves were mostly under control, but I was always on the verge, edgy...) I decided on my own volition to go see a counselor because I knew it wasn't healthy for me, but more importantly I knew it wasn't healthy for the marriage. I wasn't (and am not) willing to ever give up on my wife and family!

@ Cantstopcrying - I couldn't imagine that, and I feel for you, thank you for your contribution.

@ Trishie - I don't need to "change", I need to be myself. I let myself turn into and angry, controlling person, which is NOT who I am. My fears of abandoment (the basis of my anxiety/panic disorder) made me become controlling and in turn anger when I didn't get control, and than in turn anger at anything that wasn't "just right". This is not me. I trust her completely, so me "changing" isn't the issue, is me adjusting back to who I am, and not what I had become. I have already (had already begun) doing this prior to her announcement to me. I am sorry that your ex didn't love you enough to be who he once was, or who he said he'd be, that is, I can imagine, very tough to deal with when it is happening.

@ AAAAA - LOL, had to count the A's there...Thank you for sharing your experience. If space is what she needs, if time is what she needs, she's got it. My becoming myself again is no act, it's not a show until things "get back to normal" and then I turn around and be stupid again. I will give her the time, love, space and effort she needs for us to be. More than just be, but be togther and happy about it.

@ JuneRain - Yes, I love her from my very being, the depths of my soul, more than life itself. My world revolves around her and I can't, and won't, imagine it w/out her. My children are wonderful and I couldn't love them anymore either. Yes we are both in separate counseling, and we have gone to a marriage counseling firm, but they are unsure if they can deal with us as we are already undergoing counseling separately. I hope they will, as some of the issues have nothing to do with why we are seeing our counselors sep, but, a lot are.

As I said in my first post in this thread tho, she is PTSD, she feels numb at times, psychotherapy will be close to a life long thing, and drugs that take away the numbness will help that part. She was also diagnosed with BPD (Boderline Personality Disorder), which both I have been studying a lot, the BPD not so much, there are maybe 1 - 3 symptoms, I thought it took more than that to be diagnosed with a disorder. The PTSD almost everything fits. This is why I asked if anyone has dealt with a loved one with PTSD and now, PTSD with BPD (they are often diagnosed together as I have found out), and has gone through this. Again thank you all for your concern and posts!

As of last night, as we have been talking every night since. I found something out about myself. I once told her as she was going through this exact same thing the second time (this is the third time, it's kind of cyclic), that I didn't love her, and I was going to leave. I had blocked that out, so had she. When I brought this up, and told her do you remember when I said, "I want to stay", she didn't really remember, but she did ask why (back then) did I decide to stay, and I didn't answer trutfully. The truth was I never was not in love with her, it was a scare tactic, I needed her to seek counseling and she was basically refusing. But the pain I put her through, I am now feeling, and no one should ever put another human through this kind of pain. All I could do was apologize, and let her know that if I had put her through this kind of pain, wow...what an @$$ I was. We talked some more and she promised me that eventually everything will be ok, it's just going to take time. My fears of her leaving (not just abandoment, no, my fears are of losing the most important person ever in my life) still grip me, I still cry, I still worry, and I suppose I will for as long as it takes her and us to get "right", but I am here 'til and after that happens, 'til I die, I am here for her. If it takes 2, 5, 15 years, you may think I'm crazy, and maybe I am, but nope, I will not give up and I will be here for her.