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i am walking into this blind to what you are really talking about, but i do need to say that understanding does NOT equal forgiveness. it may make it easier to choose to forgive but it is not the same thing at all.
the way i explain forgiveness is like a legal issue. someone has wronged me. they broke faith with me and they are busted when i know they did it. forgiveness is a legal decision to set them free even though i am hurt by their action. forgiveness is choosing to let someone go when i have them dead to rights.
it is a choice - not a feeling. forgiveness does not mean that i have warm fuzzy feelings and let them back into my life with no limits or restrictions until trustworthiness is proven to me and trust is restored.
i learned about forgiveness from God and I am not trying to go all religious on you here. as i know it now, God knew i was guilty as sin (pun intended) and he let me go free and Jesus took the rap and accepted my penalty and took what i deserved from God. when i admitted my guilt to God and accepted His forgiveness we began a new relationship based on a system God had already put into effect. He is my God and I'm his people.
to be perfectly honest here, i am mad at God in an enormous way so i may not be some great role model of Christian faith. but, issues aside, God is the only one who showed me love and goodness and what forgiveness means. now when he helps me deal with the sons of *****es who abused me for years in childhood (the memory of which i blocked for decades) so i can heal and truly mean it when i choose to forgive them - God and i will be square and on good terms again.
sorry to go on and on. i am in a horrible place tonight. from the bits of this thread i have seen i see you are in a really tough place in life now too. i am really sorry you have such personal difficulty and deployment too. that bites.
sincerely,
leslie
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  HEALING HAPPENS
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