I can relate to a lot in your post - for me it was hard to start - I was desperate to let the pain out and ground myself - I wanted an outward sign that would show me the pain inside and I hoped by the time it healed that I would have healed too - that didnt happen - I havnt cut since - I have come close - and sometimes its a real struggle - I think once you.ve done it it comes up as an option in your mind when the pain or anxiety strikes

it was hard to start - then easy to do - and oh so much harder to not do - every second, every minute, every hour that you get through this without cutting is a victory - a step in the right direction - if we slip up - not beating ourselves up is a good thing to learn - just think of it as a hiccup and as my old T said to me :you can do better next time"