<- i'm putting a ton of these because i need to cry, but can't.

first it was hate hate hate... now it's more like sad sad sad.

two weeks ago now. ok - i was drunk. i got mad at my friend, then realized i needed to get away from him, needed to go home. called a cab. then realize i have no money, and it's really cold and i had been wandering in the cold for about an hour... very dangerous... so he says i can stay at his place for a while, have some coffee and then he'll take me to the bus station. so in my drunken stupidity and desperate need for a warm place, i agreed. he said it wouldn't mean sex, that he was just worried about me, and that his 11 yo daughter was over at his place and he couldn't stand to have her out in the cold at that time of the night.

now it makes me feel like i was asking for it.... i said no. several times. firmly. pushed him away. but everything was kind of flickering... probably due to alcohol - so i might've given him my consent. all i remember is that i shook like mad...

and until now... i have functioned pretty well. as i have about 14 parts, i am one of those who hasn't dealt with any of the SA memories, so this is very odd for me. i feel like i'm going to have to retreat into my inside world and let someone else be on the surface for a while....

i just... feel like i'm dead on the inside. i don't blame anyone... even not myself... not much... because i did say no. and i got out of there as soon as possible.

tried talking about it to the friend i got mad at, but i must've been rather vague because he said "i'm so glad you didn't have to stay out in the cold".

can't tell the psych nurse about it because i've told her i don't drink. it will ruin the trust i've established with her. well - the trust she has established with me. i tried to tell her about the memories of childhood SA, but i took them back by saying "they must be something like those erotic dreams people sometimes have" - and she agreed. also tried to tell her about an alter i was worried about - she said it was because i was sleepy.

makes me think i'd be better off without any of this crazy stuff. when i go clean i'll quit this clowning, collect money to get a referral for psychotherapy from a private psychiatrist.

i do function. i'm just very numb. i can sit and stare at the wall for hours. sometimes i close my eyes and feel like i'm swirling into the abyss of my mind.

i just felt like i should talk about it with someone, with a little more details than "ok, so it happened, life goes on".

life does go on...


twilight