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minime,
thank you so much for posting on the other thread where i was, you have a lot going on and you still reached out. wow!
you have some painful stuff going on dear and i am so sorry that horrid guy sexually abused you. the exact same thing happened to my oldest daughter about 18 months ago.
i know you are scared to deal with this stuff, it's so hard with so much already going on, but mini, you really need help, deserve help.
you seem in a conflict about whether to take care of yourself or push the pain back down. you seem to go back and forth like you just can't quite decide things or choose yet. you are waiting for something to signal you that you can now choose to get clean and forget the pain and abuse. or you decide if you did or did not get assaulted because you "asked" for it somehow.
minime, you did NOT ask to be hurt. remembering you said no and pushed him away makes what he did a rape. not consensual sex. he lied to you about his intentions and apparently about his daughter being in the home. mini, there is no way you caused this, but you did make a the choice to drink enough to be unable to protect yourself adequately. that is unhealthy, but it doesn't make you deserving of rape - ever!!!!!!!!!! i am soo sorry he hurt you this way.
living with 14 parts is what i describe as "living life by the committee in my head" (only they seldom ever agree)!!!!! not easy!!!!
being able to numb out into a practical state of catatonia. not ok, not safe and sure as hell not the way you really want to live.
minime, please let me be more personal than you asked for. i spent the last 14 years going through therapy at a snails pace. i wanted to get on with it and it did not happen how i wanted it to. so, all i can say here is that you can make some choices now, you do not have to do things the old way forever. you deserve all the help you can get. i just wish you will take care of yourself, you are worth it, you deserve good. you do not deserve the sa and any other abuse. please
leslie and her brave pixies
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  HEALING HAPPENS
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