I didn't know where to post this, but I thought this section would be the best place.

Basically: I suffer from depression. Since CBT I have been feeling a lot better. Not totally better, but better. (No longer suicidal). But I know there’s still something wrong because on Friday I was on a school trip to London. I was with friends, I had a tour of Shakespeare’s Globe! Our guide was funny, I laughed. But just down the street we went to Pizza express. After about 10 minutes I went to the toilets and cried. I hadn’t brilliantly enjoyed the day. So, on Tuesday I’m going to the doctors to ask about medication – I feel I’ve hit a chemical wall in my recovery. But the thing is, sometimes I think I am Bipolar. Type 2 I think. Because since starting therapy I’ve had to pay attention to my emotions, and there was twice that I felt amazingly good for about 2 weeks before being depressed again. I thought this was just me recovering, but the more I think about it, the more I remember other periods like this, before therapy. Being dead happy last February, being irritable a few months later. And then my friend wanted to know the symptoms of Bipolar, so I looked them up. I switch between hyposomnia and insomnia when I’m depressed, I can laugh and joke even when I’m depressed. When I’m happy (I think its more hypomania than hyper), I have good self-esteem. When I’m not, it’s questionable – though since therapy even my worst self-esteem is much better, though now it’s threatening to decline. There are times I talk so fast that people don’t understand what I’m saying – though I think I’m speaking normally, sometimes I think so fast I can’t even keep up with myself – especially when working. I find it hard to concentrate, when I’m happy it’s easier, unless I get distracted, when I’m not, it’s because my mind goes blank. Also, sometimes, especially when i'm nervous, or not even then, there's something Like unreality. I think therefore I am. But everyone else? I can stare at them and wonder why and if they exist. If I could hurt them - do they feel pain? I mean, I don't do it because I know my emotions are real and I'd feel guilty if they existed or not.

And the depression part, you can guess.

The thing is, I’m a bit of a hypochondriac – though that calmed down a LOT since I figured out my depression. Yes again, from the internet out of curiosity. And I just knew. I broke down and cried. With this I don’t know. It is because I can’t stand the thought of being ‘well’. I can’t cope with blaming things on something? I know that there’s no ‘cure’ for bipolar, so maybe that’s why?

The way I write it here, it makes it sound like I do, but it just doesn’t seem that simple in real life.

Anyway, I want to know, should I tell the doctor I think this? Of should I just keep quiet and go for the anti-depressants?

I don’t want to seem foolish. I know you can say there’s no harm in asking, putting my mind to rest, but…I dunno.

Thanks for reading.