If you really didn't want to change, you wouldn't post, "What am I to do? I'm at loss"... There's a part of you that wants healing, that wants to be free from it all. I see myself months ago in you now.

I wish I could make things better for you and take your pain away, but I can't. I honestly don't even know what a good solution could be for your situation, it seems tough... But I will say that you can always go to a friends or get social services involved because what your mom is doing is called neglect.