wow....

ncguynva.. it sounds like you are in a terrible situation... i read some of the posts before.. and to me, it sounds like you have given her wayyyy too many chances to redeem herself. You are a great person to be able to forgive your wife and to want to continue a relationship with her, not many would.
I am a military wife, nineteen.. my husband hasn't been deployed yet, though I know it's coming. I have been away from my husband though, and even though it is REALLY hard to stay behind and wait for him to come back, I can never dream of cheating on him. There is no excuse.. i've dealt with depression and anxiety. I moved thousands of miles away from my family and friends.. i have ZERO friends here.. and the weather sucks. He works at night and i'm here all alone, but that does not give me or anyone the right or an excuse to cheat or disrespect their husband.
It's one thing for her to have made a mistake.. but then she still hangs around that person.. i would not tolerate something like that.
I know exactly what you meant about the housewife thing.. i am not the housewife type of wife.. lol I hate cleaning and cooking (mostly because I suck at it haha) but I try to keep the house clean.. and I clean up after him. We never had an agreement like you did about it.. but I don't work and no kids.. so it's like what else am I going to do? I would be embarrassed if I didn't do anything ever and to have my husband and his friends see how messy the house got.
Though it may be the hardest thing you've ever done, I think the best would be for you to divorce her.. she is giving you too much stress, stress that you don't need right now. She should do the exact opposite of what she's been doing.. You're out there in the middle of no where, supporting her, and fighting for the country... and she goes out and cheats.. She should support you and do what she can to make your life easier.. not have you worrying about her and whether or not she's cheating or lying or using you.
You deserve better.. and if she can't deal with it now, then what makes you think it's going to change?
Good luckk