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body memories can be painful too - try not to be hard on yourself - you gave in this time - but you can do better next time - I hope you find a new T soon - are you still looking or taking a break?
My dr wants me to see a pdoc about meds because I still have SI thoughts - are you seeing a pdoc? is that something you could consider...
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Its not how many times you fall down that counts 
its how many times you get back up! 
(Thanks to fenrir for my Picture  )
When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown,
Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly.
by Patrick Overton, author and poet
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