I couldn't breathe, i couldn't see, I was talking to people online, one of which was an ambulance driver and trained paramedic. But also someone I'd never thought I'd ever open up to in a million years.

It started off with me going to my room and thinking about how I'd failed my plan to starve that day, because my friend, Karima, had come over and we'd made a pie and muffins and had some dinner together, along with Charlene.. I couldn't reguse it because I knew that Karima would have probably not had anything then, because she wouldn't have seen it as fair, her and Charlene eating and me not. So, yeah. It started off like that. Then, on the track of negative feelings, my happy spirit and uplifted mood dropped massively and I spiralled down, panicking and such, then i couldn't breathe, so panicked some more and the my asthma decided to kick in. No matter how many times I took my inhaler it just wouldn't settle down, so I panicked more.

In the meantime, Chris (the paramedic), was getting really quite worried and begged me to let him call me, or come and see me to help me out. I refused to let him see or hear me in such a state. He was trying so hard to calm me down and talk about what had caused it, but in that moment I couldn't think straight. I was too scared to let anyone see me in such a mess. He eventually coaxed me into letting him come over. 10 minutes later he was outside in his car, waiting. This was at around 12.05am.

I was so quiet, barely spoke, didn't look at him, fiddled and fidgeted, trying to avert my eyes from his face, because he looked so ganuinely concerned and I felt like he was pitying me.
He asked a lot of questions, to get me to talk through what caused it and such. I eventually opened up, surprisingly.. Considering I thought I'd never, in a million years, open up to him.

A lot was said between us and it helped, I began to calm down a bit. he said later on; "When I took your hand, I did it to take you out of your comfort zone and I'm sorry about that." I said that it was ok and that I needed to be taken oput of my comfort zone once in a while. I was very scared and edgy, but eventually calmed down a bit. We spoke until almost 2am and I still wasn't tired.

My breathing eased up and I relaxed a little, knowing that Chris wouldn't have come to see me if he didn't care and if he only wanted to make a fool of me. So, I told him quite a lot about my life and he was there for me and said that not many things shock him, but hearing the small bits of my life he's heard, has really shocked him and he's surprised at how 'normal' I can be, how well I can just cover it all up.

I guess it doesn't surprise me because I've been doing it all my life, I'm used to it by now, it's my natural reaction to anything that hurts me.

My heart says yes to opening up to Chris, but my head screams 'No! No! You can't trust anyone! You always get hurt! Don't be so stupid! Stop before you say too much, woman!' I'm trying my hardest to ignore what my head says and follow my heart for once, because if I don't trust Chris, I'll not trust anyone. I have to trust someone eventually.

I started to panic again last night when he came to see me again, I guess it was knowing that we'd be talking about ym past and such again, that I might cry or something. I'm still suffering with the chest pain and such from the attacks, but trying my best to keep them down, stop them happening..

I just. Hm. I'm so tense right now..