Thanks Multipixie9!

The thing is humanly, I have never felt this pain before. God isn't going to abondon me, therefore I have no fear of losing God. I don't get angry at God, and of course I can't control Him. So, again, there is no fear there. But humans are humans, and this pain that I am feeling is physical and mental. I have had my ups and downs in life, I have been married 4 times (the first 3 before God found me). I don't know if I did this to my other wives, it wasn't ever an issue, at least not spoken. But I also didn't love any of them, not in the sense of true love, like I do my wife now of 10 years, together 11 years.

I thought what I had for her was Agape (which for me represents divine, unconditional, self-sacrificing, active, volitional, and thoughtful love for my wife), although I know it's almost impossible for humans to be unconditional. It's hard to do, I mean there are limits to what we can all stand, but she has never given me any reason to not have anything but unconditional love for her, yet I really messed things up. What I did, was let the fears/anxieties of her leaving me control me, and do two things, I became controlling, and I became angry when I thought something should happen one way and it didn't. Well, there went Agape, and almost my wife.

With her PTSD it's hard, because I don't know how's she's feeling, and I found out that she's not BPD, but has Schizoid tendancies, I am lucky that she even talked to me in the first place, let alone date than marry me. But I see inside her, she is the most wonderful person I know, man or woman. She's not only a pretty face, I don't and never would want a trophy wife, she's beautiful on the inside, when she lets you in, you see this, and she let me in. All I know now is I have to give it time, even though I want everything to be ok NOW! Because I am a man of my word. The controlling and anger has stopped, oddly enough the anger had stopped previously, it's gone, I just don't get angry like that, and my thoughts on that are God has given me some inner peace.

Again, being human, I am scared to death, it's hard to sit next to the one you love and not cuddle when just a weak ago you were doing just that, not talking sex either, I mean like on the couch watching TV, or holding her whilst I fall asleep, a touch, a hug...It's hard to not look at her and say, "Honey, I love you!", like I would do, or go up and hug her, or hold her face in my hands and look her in the eyes and see the love back at me. I know she loves me and is working as hard as I am at this marriage now. I know it'll take time for trust to redevelop. My fears won't stop until the day comes when she comes to me, holds me and say, honey, I love you. Wow, do I ever go on. I just want the pain to stop, to be able to not cry just one day...I can but pray and hope that day will come, and sooner than later, but if later, so be it, as long as that day comes.