Ty Rap ... I just was told long ago that I was bipolar ..and was agressively treated, but then told that no i was misdiagnosed ..then left alone for awhile..well really I stopped going to doctors really.

Then I had to go back...and was diagnosed w/BPD ...and now I'm going through a hard time ..and now they are saying yes ...bpd and also bipolar together... I just didn't know you could have both... I thought that if you had some issues similar to bipolar, but met certain criteria you fell into bpd.

So now I'm sort of confused and a lil agitated by it.

About 85% of the time I will be numb and just not pay attention or block out that I have problems going on ..sort of ignore them even when they are right in front of my face ... until they build up ..Like the other night and I crashed.

I do usually think of others in that 85% of the time b/c i feel like my life is already wasted really. I don't want to be here. It's a waste ..wasted time really.... Other then helping others here and there and taking care of my son.

I don't want to be here (and don't get nervous anyone I'm not suicidal).

From a very early age I did not want to be here ...and I still don't. I can't help feeling this way ..it's just I'm being honest.

That was the reason why I asked if anyone believes in prayer ...b/c I am still waiting for that prayer to be answered since I was a little kid ..still nothing.

I would never pray to be "better" or "well" ... I don't even know what that is ...I've never known.

Like i had quickly mentioned to my mom ...If you knew what was in my head ... you would find it very disturbing. I never really ever mention any of my mental problems to her ...that's all I said.

At 34 I finally do feel like I'm putting some of the pieces together. Even if they don't sound so good or promising... just they fit and go together at least.

Sorry if this is depressing it's not meant to be.

Thanks again for being supportive ...because that really helps.

I hope you are well ..and I hope for good things for all of you here.

take good care
Eva