I don't know... Chris seems to be the only person that genuinely cares and wants to help.. Not even Connor seems interested in being there for me anymore.. I'm trying to hold on, but.. I just feel like it's all going wrong

I went to take the presents last night, Chris drove me there and parked outside the house. Me being a bit of an idiot, leaned on the gate (it had been snowing so my hand slipped on the snow), so the gate rattled really loudly.. I was going to go down the drive, knock on the door and give it to them, but I was too scared (wimp) that they'd have a go at me, or hurt me again.. I didn't hear my girl bark or anything, normally when the gate rattles, she barks her head off.. So.. For all I know she could have died giving birth to those pups, she could be lost, hurt, anything.. I know I'm probably worrying about nothing, but she's like a child to me.. She's my baby and she's hurting, i just know she is, something deep within me tells me that she's hurting in some way and that kills me...
So, instead, I just dropped the bag, sellotaped up, with another bag inside with the presents in, onto the big rock that's just inside the driveway. I saw that my adoptive parent's bedroom light was on, guessed they were watching T.V.. My dog's first time seeing snow and I'm not there to teach her what it is

I looked for her, almost called out her name, but she wasn't there.. It broke my heart, but I guessed that maybe she was nice and warm inside. I just wish I knew how she was.. But no-one will tell me the truth.. I'm getting her birth papers from the owner of her Mum and Dad, so I can try and get her back, ready for when I move into my flat in a few months' time. I hope I get her back.. But then, I don't want to hurt her by taking her away from the family she knows better now.. Better than she knows me *sob* I had to run back to Chris's car, because I was so scared they'd poke their heads out the window, see me and go crazy.. I had it all pictured in my head, that they'd open the door, Dolly (my dog) would come running out, I'd scoop her up in my arms and cry, then they'd start shouting and she'd start quivering in my arms.. I wished it had jhappened and almost cried.

I got back into the car and Chris said "You're ok, yeah?" I felt so thankful taht he was there and said that yes, I was fine now that I'd done it. I looked out of the window most of the time after that. I was so, so close to tears my right eye started to weep.. I made the excuse that I had something in my eye and he believed me, or at least he seemed to. We stopped in a quiet place and chatted for a while. He hugged me and I felt a little better, so.. It didn't nd all that badly..

Today's been a bit of a mess, came into college, there were only about 7 second years in and 8/9 first years, so we've been told that we can go home if it's safe to go. Never expected that! I broke down this morning, though.. Because I looked out my window and the snow was glistening right outside on the grass and dropping off the trees, it was beautiful.. I thought about my Foster Dad and wished he was there, so so much.. Along with my dog. I cried because I felt my heart ache so much. It really hurt, I sobbed so hard that I was almost late for college because I had to dry my face to put my makeup on. I just wish that he was here because.. He'd see the fun I had last night, with Chris, out driving in the snow and dumping snowballs on his head (teehee) laughing, smiling, feeling happy.. I even threw a snowball at him when he was leaning on a gate and it flew over his head and landed in front of him. He chased me in the snow and I slid on some ice. Just writing this, remembering it, makes me smile. I had so much fun. I just wish he'd been there to see it.

When Chris dropped me off home, we sat in the car for a bit and I looked into the Sky. He saw me looking and said "they're all over here, love. Come here." I leant over putting my arms on his legs, looking up into the Sky. I stared at one particular star and he pointed to it and said; "that's the brightest one." I smiled, feeling warm inside, not feeling silly like I usually do when I look into the Sky when others are there. I remember on Sunday night, telling him that my Foster Dad had always told me that if I looked up into the night Sky for the... And he'd finished my sentence and I was so.. So happy that he understood what it meant to me, you know?

He's going to come and see me again tonight, I think this is turning into a habit! but, he makes me happy and makes me feel like someone does actually care.

Uh-oh.. Alec's just seen me and asked me to go see him grrr. Stupid man. I told Chris about him and he said to report him, for being so personal and m aking me feel very uncomfortable.. I'm a bit scared to say the least, but it's got to be done.

At least I have the day off college today because of the snow but.. I slipped over twice this morning on my way to college! I was so embarrassed! But I just laughed it off .

Let's hope this meeting with Alec goes well. Wish me luck! *crosses fingers*