I gave up earlier. Very nearly.

Connor was pestering me about coming back to mine. I eventually just said "Connor, I don't want to go home. It depresses me, it makes me go into a s**tty depressed and angry mood, it's messy and I'm fed up, ok? I just don't want to go back there. I never do". He kept going on about it, then said that I was acting suspiciously. I snapped then and just said "Connor, I feel incredibly sick, I'm about to throw up, can you not see that?! I'm exhausted, trying to save an argument from happening and you're saying I'm acting suspiciously. Give me a break". So he said "Fine. I'll give you a break" and stormed off..

I called after him once, but in the end just left him to walk away. I gave up in that moment. He called me 10 minutes or so later and said; "Do you think we need to have time apart?" I didn't know what to say.. I stuttered and stumbled, got annoyed and then sighed and said "Yes, Connor. We do. We really do. We can't go on like this. I'm fed up of always being the one that has to take on all the work of fixing this relationship. I can't do it alone, it's two sided, not one. You need to get some help for yourself with this. I'm trying my hardest, putting more than I should into it and you're sitting back and watching it crumble, making out that it's my fault.. When actually it's because you won't get help with your anger and such. We need to take a break for a while. Sort ourselves out. I didn't want to have to resort to this, but it's the only way, it seems.." He said ok and we ended the phonecall.

I hated that moment, but.. As a lot of you here have said, it's the best thing for me to do to help me.. I did it for me, I thought about ME for once, not him.. Of course it may hurt him, but I have to do it to let e sort MYSELF out first..

I just.. *sigh*. I hate this. Really I do. I could really do with a warm hug right now, from someone who really does care.. Connor's hugs recently have been so heartless and I've just not felt better when he's cuddled me.. Yes I have a lot of baggage, but he said he was prepared to take that on.. But obviously he wasn't.. My decision is that I won't call this break off until he has some professional help, until he is engaging in it and getting something out of it.

This is for me. As much as it hurts, it's the best way *sob*.

I was so close ot OD'ing again I had a blade in my hand, turning it over and over, wanting so badly to draw it across my skin. I was even planning where and when I would take the OD and where I'd get the pills and what pills I'd take and such. It was scary, but.. I spoke to Chris through texting and he helped a little. I'm just so tempted by it.. Still.. I feel so unsafe right now, but it'll jeopardise my chances of moving out of here sooner, unless I figure out a surefire way of people here not finding out.. *sigh* just listen to me. Going on like this. I'm pathetic. Useless. A watse of space.