*sigh*.

Just called a break between Connor and I. He was pestering me about coming over mine. I told him I was about to be sick and I just wanted to be alone for a while.. I had an awful morning this morning.. I woke up, looked out my window, smiling at the beautiful glistening snow outside, but then I just.. i broke down, the emotion flowed over and I couldn't hold it in any longer. I couldn't stop thinking about how much I wished my Foster Dad were here, to see me in the snow last night, laughing, running, throwing snowballs at Chris (teehee) and having fun. Just wanted him to be the one that I was laughing, running and having fun with.. He died the year before it snowed last and he's not ever going to be here to see me in the snow.. Ever.. So, yeah that made me really sad this morning..

Then Connor getting arsey about me wanting to be alone, the fact that i felt incredibly sick and wanting to just be alone for a while, to clear my head.. It just tipped me over the edge.. I snapped at him and said "Connor, I'm fed up of this! I just want to be alone, clear my head, I'm going top be sick, can't you see that?! And you're getting suspicious, thinking I've got something to hide?! No! I don't want you to see my messy room, I need to be alone, breathe, need to just lie down and have some peace. Give me a break!"

So he said huffily, "fine, I'll give you a break" and stormed off I called after him, but just sighed and let him walk away.. It hurt so much, but I had to do it.. He called me about 10 minutes later and asked if I think we need to take time apart.. I thought about it, stressed and sighed.. Then I just gave in to my thoughts and said; "Yes, Connor. Yes, we need to take a break.. I can't do all the hard work.. I can't take on your effort as well as mine. It takes 2 to make a relationship work and you're not making it work.. You're sitting back and expecting me to make it work, making me feel like I'm the one doing wrong, when in fact you're making no effort. We need a break to sort ourselves out. You can get help and I can carry on finding a better therapist." He said ok and we ended the call..

I've been so close to OD'ing again and cutting and I've been planning it all out, how I'll do it, where, when and what with etc. It's horrible and I just.. I don't know what to do..

He's breaking me apart by saying that when someone says "I'm on a break from my boyfriend", guys take it as the female is single, so pretend to be a shoulder to cry on and then get what they really want, out of the girl and such.. I'm trying so hard to reassure him that I'm not going to let that happen.. That yes, it's killing me having to do this, but I took his word for it last time that he'd get help and he didn't, so I'm giving him an ultimatum, like he did with me and my self harm.. I've said that the sooner he gets the help and engages in it, the sooner I will call off the break and we can be a proper couple again.. Does that sound fair?

I just.. I really, really want to S/H, or OD again.. It's really killing me..