Lately I feel exasperated with the process. I love T, and I feel safe with him and I know I am attached to him because I still have the key to the bathroom in my purse. LOL

But truly I am questioning my process. I can't see out the other side at all. T says that therapy should always propel a person forward but I feel like I am just bouncing off the walls from side to side. I keep crashing with depression and extremely disabling intrusive thoughts. I see T twice a week and we have been working together for 2 years and a 3 months. I am getting better and better at feeling safe and telling him just about anything but I don't see the payoff. I wish he could fix things. I wish I didn't feel like crap. I wish we could talk everyday. But I don't know how even that would fill the hole inside me.

I guess I just wish I felt better. I think I might be defective. I don't feel like there's a whole lot of healing going on and wonder if this whole healing thing that is dangled is real or if it's an illusion. I don't know what my process is anymore. I know my issues are complex and I know there are things that are still stuck inside me. I've mentioned them to T early on and feel maybe it's time to go over some of the stuck stuff again, but what's the point? It's still my stuff, not his. I feel alone when I think this way but I don't know how not to. T is wonderful and he is with me for 45 minutes twice a week. The rest of the time I am with me and I am not nearly as gentle as he is.

Ugh.