Hi All,
This is my first time ever posting in a forum like this so I am a little nervous and uncertain about it. I know it's anonymous and all that but, like I said, this is fairly new to me. I'm mostly here because, as my username says, I feel so alone.
Here's some background on what's been going on. Things were going really well in the beginning of the year. I got a great apartment, I got my teaching credential, master's in education, I lost 43 pounds (I was overweight and needed to lose weight for health reasons, I didn't have an eating disorder or anything) and I started taking acting classes which I wanted to take for a long time. Then my mom told me she had a really bad gambling addiction, was 70 thousand dollars in debt and was having to declare bankruptcy. Then everything went downhill, mostly because of the childhood issues that brought up for me. (I'm an only child, my dad died when I was 17 and my family is very small so there isn't much of a support system.) I started cutting which I had NEVER done before in my life (I'm 30 by the way) and tried to commit suicide just before Thanksgiving. That landed me in the mental hospital for 3 days which, let me tell you, is MORE than enough incentive to NEVER do anything like that ever again. Now If I don't get a job within the next two weeks (I've been looking HARD for 4 months) I will lose my apartment and no longer afford to be able to take acting lessons or my workout membership. To top it all off, my mom (who I had previously trusted implicitly with money) was holding onto some of my money for me and she blew through that when she was gambling. I thought I could trust her. I obviously can't in SO many ways. So I feel ENTIRELY alone. I live alone and am not in a relationship and sometimes just want to be held so bad but there is no one around to do that. Sometimes it hurts more than I think I will be able to bear. It can be utterly intolerable. This week was particularly bad as a job I was depending on didn't come through. I'd given all my blades to my friend to hang onto so I wouldn't cut anymore (that's how I ended up in the hospital) but as I lay in the bathtub trying to calm down the idea of just putting my head under the water and taking a big breath became more and more appealing. I won't do it so please don't anyone worry but it just gets to be too much sometimes.