Yes, I'm taking care of myself

But it's Connor making me feel bad.. He just won't seem to accept that the sooner he gets help, the sooner he'll get me back.. It's not hurting me, because I know it's for the best, but it's hurting him and I know that and that hurts me..

It hurts because he was telling me all these nice things aout me last night.. He said "You hold such a high place in so many peoples' lives, they think so highly of you and you means so much to them.." Then he said; "You're so amazing.. So beautiful and compassionate, caring, loving.. No matter how s**tty you're feeling, how much crap you're going through, even if you're feeling suicidal, you still go out there and put yourself out there for people, still help people as miuch as you possibly can, even if it kills you to do it, and it's a problem that you're having but can't deal with yourself, you still help them to deal with it.. I admire you for that..." He then went on to say that he admires, and is proud of how I've been through so much s**t in my life and am still going through it, yet I have got through it and am still getting through it, that yes, I may go about coping in a way that's not the best way, but I'm still here and he admires me for being so strong..

This angered and upset me because I thought 'well why the hell didn't you say this before?! Why didn't you tell me? Why didn't you say how much you admired me, appreicated me etc etc.???!!! Maybe then none of this would have happened! Maybe then, I'd have felt more appreciated by you and not done the things that I have that hurt you before.. Maybe then I wouldn't have turned to others for that appreciation and sensitivity.. Why didn't you say something dammit!! WHY??!!'

I asked him why he didn't say it before, before it was too late and he said it was because of his parents always reminding him of my wrong doings.. When in fact he wasn't telling the whole story.. He wasn't saying that he was just sitting back watching me struggle, letting me get bogged down way too much with it all, pointing out all the things I did wrong, when in fact he was the one doing the worst thing possible in not helping me at all! I was pushing the boat out for him way, way, way too much.. Yet he's been telling his parents all this stuff about me that I've done wrong.. And he's actually the one in the wrong

It hurts, it really, horribly hurts. He said that he felt it all in his heart, felt the feelings of admiration and such but could never bring them out because of his parents reminding him and him reminding, convincing himself that i was wrong, so causing him to basically hate me for something I hadn't even done..

I hate this, I really do