tao  you are such a big part of pc. i can't tell you how many times i have read your replies to others here that need help.  i know you are a special person. i also know you feel tromented right now due to the depression. the depression is telling you to feel that way about yourself. those are feelings not facts, imho. please know i am here for you. i care. hang in there. we need you here. we do understand what's gong on with you. draw from our strength. 
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Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle.
The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours..~Ayn Rand
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