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Feb 04, 2009, 12:44 PM
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Member Since: Nov 2008
Posts: 15,166
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Y'all asked me to come back on this, yes I did go to see T yesterday About the subject that set me off so much in our Friday phone call, she didn’t bring it up at all. Toward the very end I said, about that - yes of course we can talk about it. It’s only something that I’ve been harangued for most of my life, and if you want to see some real transference, that’s the way to do it all right…. I feel that it has to do with this fear, and this one. 
So I know we will get into it, and I am OK with that (note: because of your help, PC).
But even without that, yesterday was very hard. She had told me on Friday that through all the years we’ve looked at, up to age 20 or so, I was one person on the outside, and on the inside completely different, that I made sure that I was whoever I needed to be in order to keep going. This has been growing on me ever since – what reason do I have to think I am any different now? Which comes down to, who the heck is in here?!
I remember leaning forward, looking right into her eyes, and saying, don’t you know?? As in, don’t you have the answer? because I don’t.
And I cannot for the life of me remember what she said (if anything).
I thought I knew who I was. But the more I get into this, the more uncertain I become, and the “completely different” she refers to is not what I want to be at all. This is scary to me, folks. At one point I got very upset and had to stop...I remember saying “I am not comfortable with crying in front of you, I’m fighting it,” and she just waited for me while I fought it and said very quietly, “that’s OK.”
For only the 2nd time in 15 months I left her office very down; and worse, she looked very unhappy also, maybe I should say concerned.
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