Been drinking, taking waaay beyond the right amount of certain meds, re-planning some bad stuff and having thoughts of SI again. So much was going better, then bam! I just started feeling worse. I'm hanging on for a family event, but then what? I know I'm doing stupid stuff but I can't seem to convince myself that it matters to take care of myself. I feel like I'm not worth it and that in a few weeks when I can stop being strong for my family I'll also stop being strong for me.

I wanted to get together with a friend tonight but couldn't and now I'm way more sad about it than I should be--cried when it's not even my normal depression mode. A friend I can usually call needs to take care of herself right now and I'm home alone wishing I could disappear. Stupid, huh?