[quote=ThePainNeverDies;931488 I'm fed up of putting on a happy, brave front, pretending to be confident, rising above it and holding my head high..

I just want to slump into a heap on the floor and cry and never stop..Like someone actually gives a s**t.. Because I'm fed up of no-one giving a s**t about what I feel and what I think.

I feel nuts for saying this and I'm not a violent person, but in the fragile state I'm in now, if one of my abusers, or anyone that's ever hurt me badly, traps, hurts, upsets, angers (etc) me just once more, they'll get more than me shouting, or a punch in the face, or a kick in the gut.. Seriously they will.. i hate saying that. Really, I do.. But it's just so true.. I know I need help, but no-one sees that.

Just.. Need a cuddle and some kind words? Is that much to ask?[/quote]

One thing I took away from my hospitalization is that everyone has the right to not try their best all the time. You have the right to not put on a brave face, to let your head hang down in pain. It's okay.

It is actually a healthy thing that you would want to hurt one of your abusers. It means you want to defend yourself. That you are angry with what happened to you (what is happening to you) and that you want to act on that anger. I'm not saying that punching someone is the right way to act but the anger is good. And who knows, if someone tries to physically harm you, punching them might be exactly what you need to do.

I know I don't know you IRL and I rarely respond to anything you write but I've been following your posts very closely and care very much about what happens to you, about how you feel. I do see that you need help and usually I don't write because I feel powerless to help you. What could I possibly say to make your pain any less, to protect you from the idiots that keep making your life harder than it would already be? I'm sorry I can't offer you a real hug, a face to face encouragement, a real look of love. But I guess the alcohol I'm consuming is giving me the courage to tell you that I deeply care. I pray for you. I get scared when you hurt yourself. I get mad when others hurt you. I don't know what else to say.