Hi Reader,

I am like Ice Statue in some ways. I grew up with fear like the invisible guest at every meal and the ghost who lived with us - I did not question it at the time it was just there. My dad came home from the war without ptsd, but with a strong use of alcohol. But my mom was someone with an extreme sense of fear and need for control and She told me every possible danger to every possible thing i might ever want to do. She read me rape stories out of the paper - to keep me safe she said. Underneath this was an unspoken nightmare of abuse that came from her ex-minister, satanist father and brother who used her in ritual activities and other abuses. when i came along after my brothers we were used in ritual abuses and more ordinary abuses at home. I blocked all rememberance of most abuse - though not all abuse. AND...

I lived with a constant state of hypervigilism and fear that i never questioned openly until i was around 29 and had my own small baby. I seldom feel truly relaxed and free from all fear. I think that is one reason I have had chronic pain problems and addiction to pain pills. Some of my earlier pain meds gave me a sense of being free from the tension and strain of anxiety and it was enough to cause me to become addicted to it later on when a period of fear lead to pain which lead to pain pills and which ended up in addiction and eventual recovery.

sorry if this was an over-kill response. i have struggled with fear my whole life and i wish i could be free from all sense of fear. that would be so cool.

leslie and her pixies