Thankyou *sob*

Last night I didn't sleep very well, I couldn't get to sleep, kept waking up, then woke up at around 5 and after that my sleep was restless and barely existant. It's ok.. I'm trying not to let them hurt me.. I got a card from my abusive Adoptive Mother.. She got to me, i couldn't help but cry.. She wrote in the card about my dog.. In the snow.. Without me, enjoying herself, not knowing what it was, snuffing it and blowing it into the air.. My God, did I cry But I thought 'I can't let her get away with this and know she's getting away with it', so I sent her a text in reply to the one she'd sent me about bringing my dog to see me, take her for a walk.. Cuddle her again.. Smell her soft fur.. I sent a message sounding really excited saying I was going to be moving into a flat sometime very soon. I knew she was stuck when she replied with fantastic I hope it's nice.. I said "It's definately going to be nice because it's in the Gold band, so it's one of the best" she then said great you must deserve it, let me know how you get on.. I hated her for that because.. I know I deserve to move into a lovely flat and be happy, I know that while she wrote that, she was thinking 'huh, she's not deserving of anything nice.'

But I felt proud that I'd got her stumped, that I'd... Stuck up for myself and made myself proud. I still strive to be perfect, to show her that I'm better than she thinks I am.. Sometimes.. And I hate this.. I want to go back, because I think about it and think.. 'As much as I got abused, I had it easy. I got food paid for, for me, even if it wasn't cooked for me, I didn't have to pay for the roof over my head either, so I should have just stopped complaining, keep my gob shut..'

I hate thinking that because I could never go back to the abuse.. I couldn't go back because they wouldn't accept me because they all hate me, because I'm not good enough for them.. I still feel like they're important to my life.. But at the same time, I hate their guts.. i don't understand it.. I don't understand me..

Funny, though, how they didn't come and visit me when i was in hospital because of the overdose.. I told my twin it was an overdose, but it was accidental.. Pff. And I'd made a lot of effort to at least Try and see my twin when she was in hospital with a crushed ankle.. i was kind to her, said not to worry about being under general anesthetic and that it'd be ok, she will wake up etc.. yet none of them could be arsed to even so much as be nice to me, send me a text or call me to make sure I was ok..

Why do I bother?