Thankyou for your replies..

I'm seeing Connor today.. Now in fact.. He wanted a kiss and I'm just sat there like.. What the hell do I do? We're supposed to be talking it through, not acting like a f*cking couple! He knows I'll give in, because I'm too weak to say no, I'm scared of making him feel worse!! ARGH!!! I wasn't offended at all by what you said, Colleen, honestly it's fine.. I saw Chris last night and we had a good chat. He's planning on seeing me again today, I think. Wow. Everyday since Saturday night.. Tomorrow evening I have to go to SWEDA and I'm really, really, horribly scared.. But I know that Anita (the woman I'm seeing) is really caring and helpful etc, so I'm going to try and trust her and talk it out..

I cried twice yesterday.. i felt so weak and horrible.. But then I felt a little better.. But it just didn't feel like a release at all, really.. I got a card from Shana (abusive Adoptive Mother) yesterday, she couldn't help but to rub in how much fun MY dog had been having in the snow without ME as I guessed, she'd snuffed the snow and sneezed, throwing it into the air.. I just so wished that I'd been there..

So, I thought it's about time I got her stuck, so I did. I told her i was going to be moving into a flat soon and she was stuck, so said fantastic and she hoped it was nice. So, I thought I'd rub it in a bit more about how well I'm doing Without Her and said "Oh, it's one of the best because it's in the Gold band, so it's going to be lovely" She was even more stumped so just said great and let me know how it goes. I felt proud that I'd stumped her, that I'd finally found the courage to speak up and override her natsiness. But yet.. I still feel the need to make HER and the rest of them proud of me.. To show them that I can be perfect, that I won't make anymore mistakes, that I won't be "stupid and dumb and pathetic" anymore..

I still feel like I have to prove myself to them, like they're important to my life
Why do I bother?

Because Chrios came over last night, i didn't do anything.. But I have money today so it could be pretty dangerous, but.. If he comes over tonight then I may not do anything.. I just.. Oh I just want to give up so much. It hurts too much. It's hurt too much for too long.