thank you all so much everyone for your continuing support. i am sorry i haven't replied to everyone who has been sending me pms, i will get around to it when i'm in a better head space.

i went to the pharmacy and they gave me the meds. i havent taken them yet - i want to read up on them a bit first, but i will do that after this post and then take them. they are ativan and zyprexa, if anyone knows anything about them.

my grandparents came over and just left. i cooked them dinner and it was nice. i think i calmed down a lot just knowing i had meds, so i got through ok without them noticing anything amiss. there was a ladder in the hallway though, so i had to explain that i was trying to take the fire alarm down because it kept going off.

i am a bit scared about taking the meds because they will make me dozey, and i need to be alert in case anyone comes tonight. i'm having a hard time keeping track of what's real and not real.

not real = people coming to get me tonight. i think.
so, real = taking medicines to calm down about the non-threat.

yes?

my dogs are outside now but i will probably bring them in again tonight and sleep in the family room like last night.

im sorry for rambling on so much but it feels good to keep going on like this. stops me from being trapped inside my head so much.

pdoc said on the phone that we will change my meds (the anti-depressants i'm on) when i see him on monday. he says they obviously aren't working enough for me to get into this state. so he is suggesting that i stay on the edronax, and start lithium and dexampetamine also. he only gave me enough zyprexa and ativan to last me until monday. i have stopped taking my meds (lovan + edronax) like we compromised, but i guess with the new drugs i'm not entirely med-free. but i guess not taking my regular meds could explain the blah headache and nausea i've been feeling today.

ok, enough rambling from me for now. if anyone is still reading this far and has the time, could you send some safe thoughts my way tonight? im still scared about the people coming back but i really need some sleep so i will take the new meds.

(((((everyone))))))

xo deli