I know I felt anger toward my Mother even before she died.......for not catching the cancer when it could have been taken care of. The vulvar cancer was a very slow growing skin cancer (to start with). According to the internet, she had to have had it for years before it became a tumor the size of my fist (which is when she finally did something about it.....too late...stage IV). How she could think that was just nothing & say it was only the size of her little finger a few months earlier......denial.

Next anger......she didn't want me going to the Dr with her because she didn't want me asking questions....it took the attention away from her & besides, the Dr would tell her everything she needed to know......yea right, that's why the Dr kept telling her he "got it all" with the surgery & kept stringing her along because she was just an "old lady"......his words the last time I got her into the hospital to escape the home care person.

Next anger......she was being stupid about not being willing to leave her house or having someone with a license come in to take care of her when it was obvious she couldn't take care of herself anymore. Then to top it off, she didn't insist that the social workers talk to her when I was there.....if that had happened & if she had been as insistent on my being there as she was not wanting to leave her house to be cared for......the home care person that was the neighbor of her boyfriend wouldn't have come into her house & stolen all the valuable family jewelry & wouldn't have abused her nor me over the 5 day time before she OD'ed my Mother on morphine & I was able to get my mother out of the house & get rid of the woman....but not before she stole my Mothers ID.

I know there was a reason all this happened for good somehow.....I just don't know what good has come from it as I am sure that woman is still out there preying on cancer patients. I don't think I am holding onto the anger, but I acknowledge that this is the anger I was dealing with for years after my Mother died. The trauma I went through with that home care person & the stress/exhaustion & extreme weight loss I had because of it was all a result of my Mothers choices & my reactions to them......which at the time....looking back, I don't see how they ever would have been different.

These facts will always be surrounding factors of my Mothers death & I will never forget they happened.......I accept that they happened & that anyone's normal reaction to them would be anger.....so I have accepted that my feelings were justified & don't feel guilty......with that, I feel that I am no longer dwelling on that anger......but I will never forget that it existed or why.

I have found that life goes on (finally) & beautiful things really exist in my life (especially now that I am separated from my husband)....even after going through our disasterous ice storm this last week where survival inside my house was a challenge without electric or hot water when the temp was 36F in every room of my house......anger gets put in it's place & caring wonderful people show up to help me survive....putting everything in life into perspective.

Define your anger.....acknowledge what you are angry about.....express it......hold it for awhile......sometimes it helps if it's validated....sometimes that isn't necessary.

There is nothing wrong with being angry....it is a normal emotion considering all you have gone through with your family during your life.

It will get better.......just let yourself feel all the emotions that come to you & don't try to hide them or deny them.....it will be ok.


Debbie