I went through a trauma at the end of last year which ended up sticking with me and haven't felt safe & had events bring back the fear every since. The trauma was related to the RN care of my Mother who was dying of cancer & I caught her stealing my Mothers ID. Then she had the police called on me to accuse me of Adult Abuse of my Mother. She also OD'ed my Mom on Morphine just before calling 911 to have her taken to the hospital. I'm not sure what her agenda really was, but also found $15,000.00 of valuables missing from my Mom's home. I reported her to Adult protective services & to the police then found out that she had stolen several of my Mothers credit cards & reported to one of the credit cards as my Mother that her daughter was abusing her financially. I ended up staying in the hospital with my mother 24 hrs a day for over 3 weeks after staying at my Mom's house the first night she was in the hospital. When I left her house that first morning to go to the police station to file a report, all kinds of things went through my head about what she might do to me to protect herself since I knew she found out about the APS report I filed on her the day before along with the Social Worker in the hospital filing a similiar report. The fear was there even though she never actually threatened me, but the unknown as to what she might do to protect herself against what I knew & reported let my mind think all kinds of things. The reason I stayed in the hospital was because after the first morning I was in my Mom's house, I decided to go to the police station & file a report with the detectives & actually saw her following me as a passanger in a car when I turned down the street where the police station was. I know it was her because she had a very distinctive look that was easy to recognize. The detectives have been after her, but he said she has been evading him. She got all kinds of information out of my Mother to use to steel her ID. I had my Mother put into the hospital with an alias to protect the RN from calling in & ID'ing herself as my mothers home care RN. The worst part is that she is the neighbor of the man who was my mothers boyfriend & that was a very difficult situation to deal with because as she got closer to dying, she could not comprehend what was going on. I had to get her to agree to having no visitors for a while until I sorted things out & stay with the alias which confused her as her mental capasity lessened. While all this was going on, no one was believing & sometimes I didn't even believe myself. I remember waking up in such a confussed state that I thought what I was experiencing was just a nightmere that would go away. Even my own Pdoc & psychologist were having a hard time believing me. It wasn't until I told them what the police knew about her that they started believing me.

Stress causes me to feal nausea & dizzy which makes it hard to eat so I have been losing so much weight. My Pdoc thought I was not thinking ok because he thought I was dealing with Anorexia again. I had my daughter fly out here to see my Mom, not knowing how much longer she would live, & that gave me & my husband a chance to find a nursing home close to our home which is about 100 mi from where she lived. I knew she would be safe up there & actually found a place that provided wonderful care & hospice care for the end. As soon as I had my Mom transferred to the nursing home, my GP put me into the hospital for malnutrition which everyone wanted to blame as Anorexia. I was in & out of the Med hospital & my GP had a Pdoc (not my own), & a psychologist working with me for awhile. There were times I had to do paperwork at the nursing home & get the hospice care set up so my GP let me out of the hospital for a few days to take care of everything. The day he had me go back into the hospital, I was able to spend time with my Mom, & talk to her about it being ok to die & not fight so hard to avoid the unknown since she knew with her christianity that she would be in heaven & would not be in pain anymore. I don't know if she actually understood me, but I think I felt a small squeeze of her hand. I left to go back into the hospital & a couple of hours later, she died. I ended up in the hospital on a PICC Line. That ended up getting infected & they had to stop it. I was arranging my mothers memorial service at her church with the pastor who had previously threatened me to stop the report on the RN or my past depression would come back to get me. I couldn't tell him much of anything about my Mother not where I was except that I couldn't make it to the service. I arranged the graveside service to be performed by the pastor at my church since he had been seeing her in the nursing home while I was in the hospital. Three days before the funeral service, the Pdoc from the hospital said he was going to put me on a 72 hr hold unless I allowed them to put in a central line for the TPN. I was not going to miss my Mothers actual funeral so I ended up going AMA because my GP couldn't allow me to leave because of the Pdoc's report that I would die in a couple of days unless I was given the TPN. I went AMA before the Pdoc could do anything to keep me there, but agreed with my GP to come back into the hospital & have the Central line after my Mom's funeral.

I was overwhelmed by everything. Dealing with the police & the ID theft & burgulary of her home by the RN, the funeral, & my own health besides my life I wanted back that I had before all this started. All the doctors were in agreement that I was dealing with Anorexia & insisted that I go inpatient into an eating disorders treatment center. When I called them up to find out about their treatment (since I had been in one previously that did harm & no good), they told me that I was actually dealing with PTSD & the stress was affecting my weight. My doctors then told me to find a PTSD treatment center using the Internet since then didn't know anything about that. I talked to several of them, I they explained that they had never delt with that type of PTSD & didn't know how to help. They suggested that I work with my psychologist in depth but when I talked it over with my psychologist, he threw up his hands & said he just couldn't help. I realized that that was true because he would always sit there & listen to what I had to say & wasn't good at pulling out feelings that I always burry. My Pdoc could only provide me with anti-anxiety meds which didn't work & we all knew from years of trial & error that all other meds I have to many bad reactions to so I can't even use a small dose with out a bad side effect. My Pdoc who only works with my psychologist, doesn't know how to find anyone to help & only has referred me back to people I have previously used when my major depression was really bad & I was suicidal.

I asked me Pdoc the other day as to what his diagnosis was on me. He said that I am still dealing with major depression reoccurant, & he now thinks that it is the trauma I went through that keeps coming back when things come up (which are happening continually since I am the trustee) needs to be handled as PTSD. Unfortunately, he doesn't know how to treat what is going on with me because the mental keeps messing up my physical condition so I keep losing weight (down to 10 lbs under BMI), & he says that my physical condition keeps messing up my mental condition.

I feel like I am caught in a tornado with the world going around & around & the other things that are caught in this tornado keep going by & hitting me. I just can't find anyone who knows how to deal with the issues I am going through. The greif counselors from the hospice had sent me some information & provide group counselling for families who have used them. I went to one of the group meetings & found that the feelings that I had couldn't be shared in that environment because they weren't really greif & I didn't want to upset those people with the feelings that I have because they appropriate to bring up in front of them. I talked to the leader after the group & explained why I didn't belong there & he agreed that what I need is one on one work.

I am trying so hard to get my life back which consisted of training for dressage horse back showing & working with my new little filly (now my 7 month old baby girl horse). I find that I can go out to the ranch & work then I end up sick the next day because I am physically not well. The one thing I do feel with my horses if free of fear & so much love comes from my filly that it is hard to imagine. What gets me is dealing with the trust & taking care of the bills or going down to my Mom's house to clean it up. That sends me downhill & brings back all the things that I went through in the house with the RN. Unfortunately this happens about weekly unless I avoid doing anywhing regarding that past. I know I can't continue to avoid this because I am the only child & the trustee that has to handle everything.

I have driven past the RN's home a few times & it looks empty. I also found out that she no longer comes up as a licensed RN in California anymore & her phone number no longer is in service. I am finding that the fear is greater about the unknown than the known, but I am afraid to call the man that was my Mothers boyfriend (who was the RN's neighbor) & find out any information because he & his daughter were listening to the RN & believing her rather than my Mom about the abuse issue. They wouldn't even listen to the things that the RN did, so I don't know how they were really associated with her.

Since my doctors have left it up to me to find help, I really feel like there is no hope because I don't even know where to look for help. I have called several psychologists who are supposed to be able to deal with PTSD & have either gotten no response or that they aren't taking any new patients. I feel like I am hitting my head against a brick wall & keep getting worse the longer I go on because I find that I bury it when I can just to function, then when it comes out, it seems worse.

If anyone has any suggestions on how to find help or any other suggestions, I would really appreciate it since I can't seem to get anywhere with the doctors I have. I feel like when I really needed serious help, I have been abandoned by those who said they could help & now say they can't.

Sorry this is so long, but didn't know how to explain it any other way,
Debbie