No-one deserves to be hurt - no-one - and have read some of your threads where you have been supportive of others - you dont sound like somone who deserves to be hurt - you sound like somone in pain who is trying the best way they know how to deal with it
I self sabotage too - I still dont know all the reasons but I have worked out a few - what I do is when I recognise what I am doing I try to stop myself and do somthing else - something less harmful - Im sorry I dont have any words that can take away your pain - but know that you are in my thoughts and I am hoping you stay safe - maybe giving your pdoc a call would help?
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Its not how many times you fall down that counts 
its how many times you get back up! 
(Thanks to fenrir for my Picture 
)
When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown,
Faith is knowing One of two things will happen: There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly.
by Patrick Overton, author and poet