Big steps sometimes come in simple ways. I believe it took a whole lot for you to entitle this thread - i am a survivor also. That's a big step and you are okay.

All that stuff will come out when it's time for it to come out. Time takes time. We're here for you now and will be here for you as you need us. If it helps, someone here has probably gone through what you continue to think about. I know, I have.