I went to an AA meeting last night and something someone said when they were sharing reached down into my very core and brought up this unbearable pain and sadness. I had already been feeling kind of down, but hanging in there....but it was like, there it was, the center of my onion of pain. Now I feel like everything else I've been working on in therapy has just been a process of chipping away slowly, getting through walls and defenses, to reach this BLACK HOLE inside of me. I sobbed all the way home from AA, and woke up this morning crying.

My husband, who has experienced depression on and off, listened to me for a while....the thing is, I have A LOT I have to do, and I can't just sit in a chair under a blanket all day and cry. He told me it's hard, but it's kind of like a train starting....if I could just get up and do one thing, I might build up some momentum and be able to get through the day.

Luckily, one of my sons appeared, and I didn't want him to see me sitting there crying, so I made myself stop (a well-learned skill from childhood) and pushed everything down, and got up and got him breakfast. Now I'm trying to just keep some momentum going so I can do what I need to do today.

I don't know if I've ever felt this sad. It's like....the total ROOT of everything has suddenly been exposed. So much pain!

There is nothing I want more than to go and process some with T, just to see if it makes it a little more bearable, but of course, it's Saturday. By the time I see him on Monday, I will have probably successfully shoved all of this away. Or maybe not...I almost feel like now that I've seen it, I can't UNsee it. I don't know.