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First of all let me tell you that I think it’s great that you are sticking by your bf. It’s not easy, I am sure. Bipolar is not an “easy” illness for anyone, including the family and friends. But it is not hopeless.
You are asking a tough question. There are no easy answers. Every bipolar, just like every individual, is different. But, I’ll tell you what I think would be helpful for me and hopefully other people in this forum will tell you what’s helpful for them and between us all; we can get you some help with your bf.
You have definitely come to the right place! We CARE!!!!! We will do our best to advise you & support you.
What your bf does is called “non-compliance”. Non-compliance is when you don’t take your meds, or you don’t take them as prescribed, you lie about it or sneak around about it, you don’t go to your doctor appointments, you lie or keep secrets from your doctors/family/friends about self-destructive things you are doing, about missing work… That is non-compliance.
Non-compliance is just part of bipolar. He is not doing it to me mean to you. (He may even be doing some of it, because he thinks he is protecting you!) He is actually, probably, doing the best he can. The thing is, his “best” just isn’t good enough and he needs people to step in and help him to do better.
The standard treatment for bipolar is: 1.Long-term Medication 2. Long-term Psychotherapy 3. Stress Management.
Medication is a tough one. There is no magic pill that works. There isn’t even a magic combo of pills. What meds work for one person does not work for another. Sometimes meds work great for a while and then stop working so well and you have to switch to others. Medications have side-effects, some side-effects are intolerable to a person. So, there is a lot of experimentation involved.
Plus, there are lots of reasons too that a bipolar will stop meds or not take them properly. Lots.
And it is very important to NOT drink. Drinking and drugging interfere with meds. And even all by themselves alcohol/drugs mess up the bipolar mind BAD!
Medication is not going to cure bipolar. But without medication, bipolar usually suffer a lot more thatn if they didn’t take it at all. So, meds are important. Just not easy.
In dealing with non-compliance…
For me, I tend to brush people off. I try to keep my family and doctors at a distance, emotionally. If they bring up that they are worried, I push them away somehow. I do not want them to be worried. It makes me feel guilty for causing them pain. I makes me feel scared that they are going to try and “help” me and being “helped” does not always feel “good” to me (it’s a complicated ‘bipolar’ thing that would take too long to explain) If I can keep from actually discussing how I am doing and how it is being perceived by my family and doctors, I can avoid all of that. So, that is what I do. Not too smart, but that’s the way my mind works.
One can push away in a number of ways. Just cleverly changing the subject, or getting annoyed and claiming it not a good time to talk… It is manipulative and childish, but tends to work.
Don’t let him do that to you. Find a way, to make him sit down with you in a safe place when there is plenty of time available to have a long talk.
You, “his girl418” have every right to all of your feelings of fear, anger, desperation, sadness…I am just suggesting that when you are sitting down to try and talk to him aobut all this, it might be best to keep thise feelings low key. Don’t be unemotional or monotone or unfeeling. Just remain calm.
You need to , at least appear to be, strong. It’s ok to tear up, but try not to break down and cry. Try not to lose your patients, even if you are frustrated. Crying, shouting, pleading…is very scary for me. I won’t react well. It won’t help me to be compliant. I’ll just say whatever it is I think you want to hear and then I’ll go back to my merry non-compliant way.
At the same time, don’t back down. If he is being unreasonable and he will be (if he is reasonable—be suspicious) , don’t lose patients, but don’t back down. Repeat what you say. Sometimes, I might even be persuaded to agree with something and then 5 minutes later I have forgotten, so I need to be reminded. Even after 5 minutes! So, don’t be afraid to repeat. Even if I get annoyed and say---you just said that! It still helps for me to hear things said again, because I have trouble holding on to stuff in my mind and heart.
If someone sits with me, and very calmly but very caringly talks to me and explains to me over and over what I need to do to help myself and then offers to help keep me on track, I will usually listen.
But, they have to follow through. If they offer to help me keep on track, we have to make a specific plan to do so and they need to stick to that plan just as much as I do. If they just offer vague help—it’s not helpful. We might as well have not even had the conversation and things will just go back to the way they were.
You need to make a plan with your bf. More than one plan, even. And specific plans. You may need to write things down, too. For example, a plan to take meds, which would include making an appointment with the doctor, when , specifically, to make that call, and actually make sure that he does make that call. Simple plans are good too-- A plan for where to keep the pill bottles, what time of day to take them… An important plan could be for what to do when it’s time to swallow those pills and he doesn’t want to. A good plan could be—If I don’t feel like taking them , I go get my gf and talk to her about it. OR if I don’t feel like I can talk my pills, I go to the phone and call my therapist, or I take a walk around the block, or I get out my discharge papers from the last hospital I was in and remind myself that I don’t want to go back—whatever works for him. You just need to come up with a plan!
And you, yourself must stick to the plans too. Whatever your part in the plan is, you need to stick to it. So, don’t agree to do anything that you have doubts that you are capable of. And be honest with yourself and true to yourself. If you aren’t up for it, it is OK. You need to take care of yourself FIRST.
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