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So as I posted earlier in the week about not being able to get to T because of white fluffy stuff coming down from the sky, I made it to fridays session and I felt very agitated, still angry at T, even though intellectually I know it wasn't her fault, but you trying telling my insides that..
Toward the end of session I finally told T that though I am sitting here all calm looking, I feel as if I want to punch you and run out of the room. T then said, "yes can you say some more" dam I hate it when she says that. I said, what more is there to say, I dont know why I feel so angry. T said, because you feel I let you down monday. YES! thats how it felt, but I said, "why? I know you didn't so why does it feel as if you did?" T said, "because it proberbly reminds you of times when you have been let down".
So I continued to sit in silence, filled with frustration and rage and when T said, "whats going on now?", somethign else I hate hearing. I said, "I still feel full of rage and frustration and wanting to hit you, and unwilling to let you win the battle, I feel like a fly trapped under a glass." T said, "I was'nt aware there was a battle going on here?" I said, "Its going on in an invisible level" T said, "Its going on inside of you" I looked at her and said, "your going to say your not holding a glass over me aren't you?" she smiled, and then I said, "so who has got me trapped in this glass?" T said, "your mother, you?"
I sat with this a little longer and it sort of got put into its place. Yes the battle is going on inside of me, but its like it lies to me, at times like this I feel as if T has become my mother, shes sitting there like the evil one. I know she wants me to talk about it more, but its so hard to keep finding the words, at one stage I said all I can say about the rage and frustration I am feeling is that is triangle shaped, no words. I guess thats the pattern a fly makes when its going around and around.
Its breaking down this delusions that is the hardest. I know I need to talk about this stuff, this is what gets played out in my everyday life also. I do it without awareness most times.
SO I shall go on monday, if I dont get more white fluffy white stuff come down from the sky and talk about how I want to hit T for not being my mother, for not being more than what she is, for sometimes being less then perfect, because this is what I do feel anger about inside now and in the past.
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Here is the test to find whether your mission on earth is finished. If you're alive, it isn't. ~Richard Bach
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