Okay, so my minds a little simmered down for the moment and want to say ty to all that replied.
Pegasus, I want to give it a try but really good at removing myself mentally from uncomfortable situations, and afraid thats what would end up happening. I am horrible in face to face situations.

Nowheretorun, I am laughing enjoy this hell until it becomes my paradise.

Junerain, I write poems but destroy most of them shortly after just to let stuff out. Have some I have not destroyed and read when things are not going right or making sense. Artistically, also in my photography, I try to find pretty things to take pics of and do digital editting. I think I put link im my profile if you would like to see a few of them. That is tough though because of course it is a little tough with 1 hand to do the photography I enjoy doing.

linda5508, Right now positive is hard to find and believe me I have been looking. Guess this site might be the only positive for now.

madisgram, not sure what to say I need to digest all that you wrote but did reply to your PM. THANK YOU!

kittykins9, I have never been diagnossed with a mental illness. Was on Paxil at one point b\c I was stressed and having crappy thoughts. Thats about all. The therapy I wanna do it believe me I do not like where I am righht now mentally. The fear of doing it is causes me so much anxiety. But think I will call my archdioces....If I do this I do not want to go to my church.

Thanks again!